Links to Stuff Mentioned in This Week's Column:
The entire list of the Driver's Ten Commandments are provided in the is article. The Popemobile is one sweet ride. Ask yourself, would you pay $8 dollars for a bucket o'popcorn? Especially from this guy?

Links to Stuff Mentioned in This Week's Column:
I picture my hallway of life looking something like this one. And this is Splash Mountain. Some fortune cookies arrive a little too late to help. Yo, Confucius Dude!

Springtime for Paris
Paris in Jail, the music video.

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We'll keep the light on, while you smash the place.

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Just when you think we are the nation with the most screwed up priorities, Japan comes along...

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That's all I have time for this morning, except: Goodbye Mr. Wizard.

He's an Artist All Right, a Con Artist
In America we don't call this modern art, we call it a tour group.

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Speaking of traveling, a rule on European visitors I'd like to see here is one that outlaws Speedos on German men at the beach.

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At one time or another, every homeowner has hired this contractor.

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I like the name of the other ride people were stuck on: The Gauntlet.

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More Travel News: If you are planning a Hawaiian vacation, you might be disappointed by the cuisine.

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All I can say is it was an Oscar winning performance she put on.

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Links to Stuff Mentioned in This Week's Column:
He didn't hit a home run at his last at bat or anything, but Bob Barker bids adieu. A sad day for many. I guess 35 years is too long a time to be doing anything. Here's the Happy Gilmore fight scene, along with Ode to Bob Barker. Who could possibly replace Bob Barker on the show? I have a suggestion.

Back to the Drawing Board
More proof that Olympic organizers are snorting something, probably powdered alcohol (see the last item below). This has been a serious problem for many years with no signs of improving.

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What's for dinner?

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I admit, this is only humorous because they call it the Popemobile. I love that we live in a world where even serious, well-read, important people actually refer to the pope's car as the Popemobile.

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For the second week I must ask, what are scientists doing looking in my refrigerator?

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They probably did it to avoid being eaten.

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Is your brand of detergent causing fish to become sexually confused?

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JetBlue immediately canceled all flights so its employees could celebrate the good news.

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People such as this sue crazy judge makes one really hope that Karma is real.

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This is the sort of far-thinking technological advancement this country used to be known for before we spent all our time developing new cell phones.

Mine!
Who knows, if he keeps doing this maybe even Yankee fans will start liking him. I don't suppose A-Rod runs into this level of sophisticated taunting in cities other than Boston.

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Never would have imagined this could be true: Putting wheels in kids' shoes can lead to injury.

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People who, like me, are always three generations behind the latest technological rage, now we can make it four generations. Here are some features, but something tells me it won't be that easy to use. Wait, there are still more features of the new iPhone.

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Impotent ostrich legal case update.

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Food Fight!

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On the earthquake's bright side, during all the shaking residents got their exercise for the day.

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Links to Stuff Mentioned in This Week's Column:
Maybe you are in the market for a new piece of home exercise equipment to use to dry clothes on. Check out the vibration machine video demonstration. It is not your grandmother's vibrating machine. And remember slim people don't get too cocky, you are probably fat on the inside. Here is another style of vibrating machine, but I am not sure this has anything to do with exercising.

A-Putz
The best part of this is that the Yankees probably still have to face the Blue Jays about 12 more times this season. Revenge should be sweet. In the meantime, the Fenway Faithful should make him feel at home.

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My only question is what were researchers doing digging around in my refrigerator?

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But what we need to know is do they attend strip clubs after the game?

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The Golden Loogies.

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This is the sort of thing that happens when educators insist on teaching the Quadratic Equation.

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House hunting? One room hole in the ground, no view.

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If heading to the New Jersey beaches this summer, leave your camel at home.

About a Third of the Way There
I haven't posted much about the Red Sox up to this point, but just in case you haven't checked the standings lately, here they are.

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Shake, shake, shake your booty. Shake your booty. Make sure you have the right music on when exercising on a vibrating machine.

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If Yoko Ono hadn't caused the Beatles to breakup 37 years ago, this might have done it.

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Another reason to ignore the French.

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Not that there is anything wrong with it...wait a minute, yes there is.

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We're guessing this wasn't stolen to be sniffed.

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I have no idea how one would even begin to use Microsoft's new computer, but there are three-year-olds who will have no trouble figuring it out.

Now If We Could Only Capture Bin Laden
Residents of LA can rest easy tonight, Reggie has been caught.

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If there was a superhero that could solve Naples trash crisis, wouldn't he be called Garbageman.

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Unfortunately, I think we missed the Yasothon Bun Bang Fai rocket festival. Apparently there was a "large feast to enjoy as well as beauty pageants to gaze upon."

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Not angry? Tibetan Monks would make the best parents in the world.

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Admit it, deep down we all feel extremely stupid whenever we buy a bottle of water. Well then, think how stupid Coca-Cola must feel today, especially since, according to this headline, it believes the company it is buying actually makes water.

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First The Police get back together, now this. In case you missed it, Donny Osmond has a new CD out that I recently reviewed.

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Like this will do anything. According to the article: Maria McClory, 38, drove 10 miles out of her way to buy a diet soda from Pollack's station after seeing local television coverage of the protest. "I just wanted to support them and thank them for making a statement," said McClory. Let me see if I understand, this women drove 20 extra miles and used approximately a gallon of gas to to show her support for this gas station's protest against the big oil companies. For the record, the big oil companies are laughing at us.

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"HA, HA, HA, HA, HA," said the big oil companies.

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I have no idea what this video is about, but I couldn't stop watching. The Hoff in a light saber battle with a robot comes at the end.

Any Summer Travel Plans?
Going to London this summer? Now you have something to really look forward to. This story just screamed for a link to the classic Plastics scene from The Graduate. (Unfortunately, the video quality is crummy.) Hey, ever wondered what happened to that young actor who played Ben? Trivia Alert: The actor who played Dustin Hoffman's dad in the movie went on to be the voice of the car driven by this famous star. By the way, "Do the Pingu" would ya.

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Coincidentally, three Kings from the Orient showed up bearing gifts, then were eaten by the shark.

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An idea those "expert" traffic engineers never thought of. Important Constitutional Question of the Day answered: There's nothing illegal about displaying steer heads on private property, said Sgt. Dennis Rector.

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Maybe they need to display some steer heads in Germany.

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At least he wasn't driving a wheelchair.

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It's for charity, dude.

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Great news for hurricane lovers. The rest, check your flashlight batteries.

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Warning to golfers: you might want to walk the course next time.

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European summer vacationers, after visiting the museums in London, jet over to Stockholm. Update: I actually read the article and apparently the museum won't be open until 2009. So in the meantime, enjoy.

Jumping Frogs, Swarming Cicadas, Alien Fish, Hef Bunnies, and Armed Cows. A Busy Day.
I bet Mark Twain would be extremely proud that his story is so well loved more than a century later, but he'd still think all these people were ninnies.

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You just know this case is heading to the Supreme Court.

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People of the Midwest, it was good knowing you.

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In the live action version, David Hasselhoff will play the Great Cow Guru.

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Did the cow guru have something to do with this decision?

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What NASA never expected: Space aliens are fish!

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Makes sense, since it was the same method voters used to decide who to vote for in the first place.

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Who wouldn't want more Hef bunnies? Oh, you mean they're real rabbits. In that case who cares?

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Links to Stuff Mentioned in This Week's Column:
Here is an article on the road rage survey. Check for road rage in Miami yourself in real time. As for its reputation for crime and shootings, a new breed of cop is starting to make Miami streets safer. Here is a photo of George Steinbrenner and NYC Mayor Michael Bloomberg in happier times. It looks as if the mayor is thinking, "That nice Mr. George let me wear this really awesome hard hat and hold this cool shovel!" In an effort to thwart terrorists, Boston has stayed away from a grid pattern for its roads, preferring instead a roadway system no one can figure out. In Phoenix, curves in the road are now being added to deliberately confuse and slow down the drivers. It appears by this thermal map of Phoenix, that even during an October night it is hotter there than on the sun's surface.

Summer 's Coming, Get the Sunscreen
You know summer is almost here when they start spotting naked people in Vermont. Quote of Note: "This is indecent exposure where it doesn't belong." Which leads me to wonder: Is there someplace where indecent exposure does belong? And if so, would it then no longer be indecent?

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More naked people in the news. Nude car wash update: Yes, it is a constitutionally guaranteed right - at least it is down under. (And probably Vermont.)

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What a touching and heartwarming story, right up until the moment the tiger cubs are big enough to eat their surrogate mother.

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Parents, when your kid asks if he can bring the classroom pet home during school vacation, tell him no.

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Florida knows what to do next: hire the chad-checking people from the 2000 election to take a look.

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Next time your stuck in the Big Dig tunnel in Boston, don't be surprised if someone behind you asks to play through.

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Act first, think later. It helps us when searching for entertaining stories of extreme stupidity, such as this one.

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And word is she can drink under the table co-eds twenty years younger than her.

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Just when I think I've linked to every example of why if you were David Hasselhoff you'd drink heavily too, I find another great example. Limbo time! At some point, isn't unemployed obscurity a better career move?

Jimmy Neutron's Grandfather
I have to admit, growing up we had Big Boy restaurants around us, and the Big Boy statue always sort of creeped me out. So this would have been really weird. As for the headline, there is an unmistakable family resemblance.

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Responding to the news, JetBlue immediately canceled 100 flights.

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I guess it's hard being the Hoff. But that doesn't mean we don't have another schmaltzy music video of his to link to.

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Speaking of singers, here's Fantasy All Star Idol, not to give away the end but Ziggy Stardust marries Ryan Seacrest.

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They will start construction just as soon as someone brings them a cubit-based tape measure.

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How did I miss the Cheese Nun?

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It's Miller time.

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Is that a gun in your diaper, or are you just happy to see me? Quote of Note: "Does a 10-month-old need a FOID card? No, but there are no restrictions under the act regarding age of applicants."

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Concerned that they may need to ask passengers to push their planes, JetBlue immediately canceled another 64 flights.

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Have any plans for Saturday? Now you do. Among the Events: "Smokey the Bear is scheduled to appear. A scavenger hunt, tree rubbings and a professional tree climbing event are a few of the activities." Tree rubbings?

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So, did you do anything special for Mother's Day?

Knight Ride It Into the Ground
You might be wondering how long I can keep riding the You Would Drink Heavily Too If You Were David Hasselhoff theme. For as long as I keep finding goofy music videos like this one, that's how long.

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If the children had been raised on Mickey Hamouse, they would have known how to react.

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Speaking of nuts.

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Sometimes there's no reasoning with an expectant turtle.

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Italy takes a giant step into the 20th century. Next up: Let women vote!

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I am proud to say that I refuse to post obits such as this one just to make a cheap joke about someone pissing his life away. We have standards here.

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A better headline would have read: Nudist camps popularity sagging.

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America, be ready to squint. They are taking away our light bulb.

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It's good to see that other animal species are willing to do their part for charity.

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Links to Stuff Mentioned in This Week's Column:
The Mickey Hamouse story isn't over yet. I first heard about evil Mickey last Wednesday and decided to base this week's column on it. By Friday, before my deadline, I had to update the story to include new information stating that the show was being taken off the air. But before it was published today in the newspaper, there was a further development. Here is a clip from the show (not that I can vouch for the translation, but then again in not one article I've read has anyone refuted the characterization of the show's content). Not that we don't have our own nut jobs here in America. For example, here is someone making an idiotic comparison between evil Mickey teaching children hate and intolerance, with Western celebrities who use their fame to address adults and politicians as they promote causes ranging from environmental issues to world poverty.